Integrity : The real meaning for me was having a physical reaction to what I was coming to terms with.
I am still having a physical reaction. Yes. I get to a point where physical reaction occurs, that is the state I am in.
Today I started to write again.
I am a Leader in the Entertainment Industry and I was unauthentic in not accepting this as I am a worthless, stupid and a doormat for others to take my credit and acknowledgements, rather than fully accepting that I was the one who really accomplished those things. In saying that I had to come to terms with that.
Now I written the below to what I see.
I shared it with the world.. to show that I am no longer hiding anything. I am present to this. By the way I need the feed back. To help me go further and deeper.
Integrity
I now understand were people lose integrity. Especially were I can lose it.
When you make an appointment at a certain time. You are late and you have explanations and reasons for doing so. Explanations cause you to lose your integrity. To the other person still late and that time will never be made up. It is gone. Your disruption , which in a way is for you to become the centre of attention and every one knows this. Your word that you are talking is also losing strength as you are now known as " sort of reliable" , " Centre Attention Seeker". In that, I mean: You are no longer have another person's 100% belief in what you say and now what you do. Each time you keep doing this the less people trust you. They now have decided what type of person you are about {and that is an automatic reaction which we all have..
And if you are continuously late you are classed as " Don' t worry about him/ her, they are never reliable, if they show up they show up otherwise never really rely on them" . Your words become to mean really nothing, you become the joke of the group and if your continue to do this no one will really ask you to be in a position of trust in anything. You could be a great worker but what comes out of your mouth, means nothing. There is another side, if you are early, you are labelled by those people as a crawler, this should not be taken in. Even those words can hurt you and you lose integrity in those people. They never realise this.
When you talk to people about their complaining and your complaining or explaining about things you dint like of them, or explanations of why, etc. You are also showing what type of person who you are and you lose your integrity, (I lost my integrity, when I explained my existence to others and giving my side of the stories which others would say about me. I wanted to be heard and instead I was never heard. I was ignored.)
You become a person which others think, that you are not to be trusted with intimate things as you would talk in groups about confidences of others. Or if you keep confidences and not inform others your are labelled by those people as not the in crowd, your not giving them anything, but the thing is you are, respect to others. Complaining is another way to show who you are. You can de grade a person. If your like talking and complain about other people, you become the "Gossip" " don' t trust her/ him when they around, their word is not reliable" The "gossip" is now a person to be weary of as she/he is talking of others behind their back so will they behind your back. So those people around her are weary .( I was one of those listeners, who just let the conversations go and would not stand up please don't talk like that.
I ended up walking away from those people, thinking I was not worth of them because I never had anything to say to them. Never had much to say to anyone. Never talked about people in that way, did however talk about people and their accomplishments and achievements. Never talked about let downs unless it was my own, non of those people were interested in me, so that was not talked about.. Even then friends would just take over the conversations. I allowed it because they wanted to be centre of attention. I was in the background even then and there . Most forgot that I was even around until they required something from me.
The thing is I was starting to become numb and like them in some ways, so I waned to find out how to improve myself, as I could not improve them. I only control myself.
( yeah, I am complaining about that, I don' t mention names as I respect privacy. I use my own name and place myself in their shoes . I say how they would feel if I mention their name- I do how ever get an bit angry to know this and to see that they really dint care if my name gets spread around - that hurts me. Like at the moment on the web. My name is in something I had no control or nothing to do with. Yet I am being hounded, blasted, slandered and abused on the web. Talked about , slandered if you like. It does affect me. I had the reputation as if they do anything to me I would not deny anything and they have a great story.)
I found out long ago that when a person is gossiping and complaining about other people, that they are actually complaining about their problems with their own lives , they are never happy in their own lives so they do this. To take the pressure of their lives and place their pressure on someone else's.
These type of people are in need of being " look at me" "I know things which you would want to hear about other people" "See people do trust me with their confidences, Listen to what they said to me!" "I am important and I am letting you know it"
I found out something really hard.
I kept my word even while doing the protection thing , to others. I was allowing gossipers to rule my life and let them be right all the time, knowing that they are wrong. They loved to have something to say about anyone, anything. I never corrected that, always respected their lives and so in doing so, I always thought they know more and better than me,until now.
To something which was majorly wrong and I nearly died because of that. Hard thing to face.
I was trying to help people. But helping people only make you powerful over them as they would see you as a controlling person admit I really never took it that way before until I was pointed out in what I was doing.. I was saying helping but I was really empowering them. I never took control over any of their lives or what they were doing.
The way to empower a person is to give them opportunities to see where thing s go wrong , not to tell them and then tell every one else what you did.
When you help someone and then you feel powerful in controlling that person. You not only degraded that person, now you are losing Integrity with yourself and the ones you are talking to.
I was told I was not helping them. I was recently informed that helping and empowering are two totally different things, That I was doing something other than helping. That I actually empowered them. That I was not helping anyone and have never helped anyone. I gave empowerment. Never before was that said to me in that context.
I wanted to help my Ex husband, when we were married to look great in front of people.
I took responsibility for him to ring his family and then place him on the phone . Did this for years . Each time I did this I lost respect for him. I lost respect for his family. I lost complete respect for myself as I then became unworthy and worthless as the image I gave them that He was the greatest and I was nothing more than a fat slob.
I would take responsibility for all the stuff ups, the put downs , the absence of him being at family gatherings . The person who was at fault for not being there or what ever. This made me feel totally worthless, pitiful human being . Not worth any ones time. As I result when I needed someone to be there for me at times I needed, I was informed to take care of it myself and not to bother contacting them.
(wish that was a racket)
I was there when they were in need. I would travel miles to site by their side and listen to them. (I now do this for everyone who I am friends with, I find a way to be with them in their needs.)
Things happened. I lost all respect for them when I lost my child . When I realised that what I was doing for my " helping" the husband. Friends would say what was happening. I did not as I was blind to it. It was affecting every thing, physically, mentally, emotionally. I became the total doormat for everyone to walk over and in that now knowing I lost myself completely . I could not even respect myself. The only time I found respect for myself was one day in June I stood up for myself even under the hardest time. I was in complete survival mode. I lost my child . I lost so much that survival mode kicked in. That was the day I split from my husband and his family. I could no longer take the blame for his words . People say I cracked. In a way I did.
I woken up
I wanted out and I was accused of things which I had nothing to do with in the end. I never allowed my ex to be personally responsible for his actions. I took the hits on his words , so to say. I became the total doormat. Even in the court I took all the responsibility.
We have gone our separate ways. I lost respect for him and I lost my integrity, worthiness, self esteem, etc.
Then I walked into another relationship and fully trusted this person, I gave him control over everything, money business and my possessions which were left to me by parents etc. He used me as a doormat as well, (i wont go into detail as that would degrade me), never lived with him just trusted him as I was recovering from loss etc. He took off with all.
I could not take credit for any of my accomplishments. It started to be felt great inside like a warmth after a freezing but I could never celebrate that I did something great for my own life. When I did , non of the people I cared for the most cared. That is how it ended , until recently.
I went back to school to learn to prove I am worth to others but I could not celebrate or acknowledge any of it. It was never enough in my thinking, no one wanted me because I was not knowledgeable enough, experienced enough, pretty enough etc, I needed to be more like someone else to be recognised..
I never recognised myself
I wanted and need so much to be known for what I have actually done. I was tired of hiding behind others or allowing others to take credit for my accomplishments . I am not saying that I do not take credit for my own stuff ups, always took credit for all stuff ups weather they were mine or other peoples, I took it all on. I have and I do but I like to have that feeling that I did achieve things. As It was lost to me for so many years . I let my ex- husband take all my credit. I allowed that, it was my choice to do that.
One thing that also stopped me respecting my ex- husband, is that he never once took a stand and said it was me who done things. He did take a stand for me in front of my father once before we were married and that was when I took all the other stuff. that is where it began. In a way this might seem like a complaint and a put down. It is not that. I was and am, just ordinary. Lots of marriage and relationships are that way.
I am just taking responsibility for my life now and not his, or another persons. I can only answer for my life and my way of thinking, doing things.
I am sharing this with you to empower each one of you to respect, accomplish your dreams and be who you all are. You are all are extraordinary people.
I have been enrolled and inspired by all of the above, and all of the people who I have been around, yes, even my ex's. I worked through the hard stuff and was inspired to inspire others. I empower Artist to their fullest potential. I believe in the Artist.
I do not degrade any person. I stand for those who are around me. I cannot help them. I can however inspire them to continue to do what their passions are. I inspire families to get back together and I am there when Artist, Friends are falling. To inspire them to not give up and let go of their passions for the wrong reasons. I dont want to take over thier lives for them I want to encourage and inspire them to enhance their lives through family and their passions being an artist or what ever they want to be. Nothing more and nothing less.
Live your passions and Dreams as no one else will have them, the way you have them.
It is choice that each of us must face.. to remain ordinary or you can take control of your own destiny.
Each person has that choice
This is who I have been and who I am, now that I fully understand it.
I am a Leader in the Entertainment Industry . I empower Artist and their families to their dreams and passions. I care for the Artist and their families. I care when they have achieved their passions in life and I am there when they are not, when things get tough. I care when they are with and illness, physical, mentally or emotional. As they are extraordinary people.
I give them choices and inspiration to fulfil their dreams and passions. I will be there when they really want me to be there for them. I know recognise my own achievements in all respects.
